I so need my training wheels…. STILL!!

18 04 2014

Last week, (11th April) I went to the dental hygienist. Good news, while I needed my teeth cleaning there are no holes so no need for fillings. I put that down to eating a LOT LESS sugar. Win, Win!!

I also went to a funeral on that Friday, it was incredibly sad. It was for a young man (24 years old) he was fit, healthy and had the most friends any one could wish for. There would have been 750 people seated at his service. His death was totally unexpected it was the result of a blood clot in the brain, and unfortunately he was on his own when he collapsed so did not get medical help soon enough resulting in a severe brain injury and when life support was removed he passed away. The funeral was a roller-coaster, incredibly sad but the stories his family and friends shared certainly had us laughing. He was one of the most amazing people I have met and despite not knowing he would have a very short life he lived it to the full. A message for us all to take on board huh.

 

Now for some honesty…. I have slipped big time TWICE this week!!!! Damn, Damn, Damn!!!!! WHY????

Monday 14th April (parent-teacher interviews). It turned to custard!!!

The day started alright, just the usually stuff. Had lunch just like normal, I had taken some extra fruit (red plums) as we had interviews that would mean I was not going to be leaving til after 6pm but I don’t eat dinner til 7pm at the earliest anyway so why did I even go and checkout the afternoon tea spread they had put out????? Why??? That is when it went to custard, instead of looking, turning around and leaving I made the decision I would try a few things which lead to a few more things… and well you get the picture. It was not at all planned and afterwards I did in fact feel physically ill because I had eaten so clean for so long my body did not like the wheat, the sugar that I just inhaled. Do I regret going upstairs… YES. Would I have felt better not going… YES. Will I go and inspect what they have out on offer in future… NO!! That is how I can avoid this pitfall, JUST DON’T GO THERE!!! I can’t trust myself to do the right thing. I am really good at pre-planning my clean meals and snacks, I have that down to a fine art so popping along to see the communal afternoon tea or dinner is just putting myself in a position to fail. Lesson learnt: I will stay away from the communal food!

What I did do was stand on the scales on Tuesday morning to “own my evil” a gain of 1.9Kg and up to 55.1Kg

Wednesday 16th April (penultimate day of school). On the Wednesday I attended two shared morning teas… and I did so well!!!! I think part of doing so well was I didn’t bury my head in the sand and I owned my evilness by stepping on the scales on Tuesday morning. I did want to come and record the disaster here too as I find writing my journal here very therapeutic, it helps me reflect on the future and how I will get it right the next time I am in the situation. But I was so damn busy with marking I didn’t get the chance. Having not indulged at either of the shared morning teas I was feel good both physically and mentally. I was in control and I didn’t feel any deprivation. I felt great and not bothered at all that I wasn’t eating any of it.

Wednesday night we had guests who bought with them dessert. I roasted a chicken and we had wedges and a lovely big green salad. I didn’t have any of the wedges and just had chicken and salad. Our guests said no to alcohol when offered so I drank soda water.  But I did eat one of the meringues as I really felt rude saying no….. it’s hard when you don’t look like you need to lose weight. excuses, excuses I know…. but because I had eaten reasonably well for the rest of the day I was back down to 54.2Kg on Thursday morning so only 0.2 Kg from my goal weight…. I basically had it back in the bag so to speak.

So now I will reveal my second disaster…

Thursday 17th April (last day of term). Since there was so much food first morning tea on the Wednesday, there was HEAPS and HEAPS of EVIL FOOD left over.  This is when it turned to custard for the second time this week.  While putting all the leftover out for everyone to have at morning tea I ate a very small bit of chocolate brownie that I cut off to taste with my coffee. I SO SHOULD NEVER HAVE DONE THAT and I knew it at the time because I didn’t eat the rest of the piece, I put the remaining bit back.  But that was the start…. I am not going to write down exactly what I then ate but it was all sugary evilness and there was no stopping. There was even more food bought in by other staff members and I tried it all. The problem is when I start I don’t have the ability to stop and pull-away. So I need a coping mechanism/strategy for when food is bought in for morning teas or leftovers bought in. As sad as it is, I will just have to remove myself/ban myself from being in the shared common space where we eat our morning tea and lunch whenever there is communal food there. It is a simple strategy but if I am not sitting there looking at it then I won’t eat it. I don’t go and buy it for myself so why do I feel I can eat it when someone else has bought it in?

Friday 18th April (Holidays have started) I am back on track. I have a fridge full of good wholesome vegetables and I have some lovely chicken breasts for my meals today. I will pre-cook some chicken for when we travel away for a few nights but it’s a good feeling to be back on track. We are suppose to go out for lunch tomorrow with friends but I will take it in my stride and eat the leanest meat and salad.

I did step on the scales this morning having had such an evil day on Thursday to “own my evil” and I’m back up to 55.6Kg. So now 1.6Kg from my goal. But I’ve learnt from these two sessions of self-sabortage and I know how physically ill I felt afterwards and mentally I feel like I’ve let myself down. In fact there is absolutely nothing good that comes from these self-sabortaging sessions other than the very short momentary rush you get when eating sugar. That is the addiction! It is a very, very short lived moment, as soon as the food passes down the oesophagus the feeling of regret soon comes. The stomach ache. The reflux from consuming dairy. The self-loathing.  All the negatives which result from the self-sabortage last for hours and hours afterwards and I’m left reflecting…. why, why, WTF did I do that for?

Moving on….

I have a lovely family wedding exactly one month today. I don’t want to use events like this as incentives… I want to eat clean because that is my WOL (way of life). But since I’m being so honest, let’s face it…. there is nothing like a gathering of family that you’ve not seen for donkeys to keep you honest with the clean eating.

No one has ever said maintenance would be easy. I certainly knew it was going to be a long road with lessons to learn on the way. I just did not expect to slip-up in such a serious manner not once, but twice in such quick succession….

 

12th to 18th April





Made Goal!!! 4th April

4 04 2014

April GOAL

 

I’ve done it. I have made it to goal. As you can see my little 200g gain on Thursday was nothing to worry about as it was a 1.2Kg drop on Friday morning which just goes to show a small gain when you least expect to have one is nothing to get upset about.

Now I know it is just a number but this has been a long term goal for me for a long time – getting to 54Kg!!! It is the first time I have actually reached the goal since March 2003.

Now for the hardest part of all and that is maintenance. I know it is harder than the weight loss itself.

I will keep to my same principles, with just a slight increase in my portion sizes. I am not going back to the old way I ate. While I don’t intend to lose anymore who knows what the scales will do but I am going to keep weighing daily – that works for me.

My main principles are:

  1. Drink a lot of water, most days it is between 3.5L and 5L
  2. Eat meat and veges as the main component of a meal
  3. Be cautious about fruit – it has high levels of fructose
  4. No to bread, pasta and rice 90% of the time. Although I will eat it on the odd occasion
  5. Avoid sugary stuff like sweets: this is my old nemesis. It’s like cocaine to me. I was an addict. I am a recovering addict: a little will tip me over the edge. It always does. I can’t control it. It sends me off the rails. It’s never a happy ending when I tempt fate!
  6. I don’t drink alcohol unless their is a special occasion. Gone are the days of a nice cold glass of pinot gris just for the sake of it

I will amend these principles though maintenance but this is the initial plan of attack for maintenance.

The incentives to sticking to this plan:

  1. I love that ALL my clothes fit (I must try those Diesel jeans – I’ll throw them away if I don’t fit them)
  2. I love having loose rings
  3. I love wearing loose jeans
  4. I want to buy some winter boots – I’ve never had the tall boots
  5. I don’t have any health issues, I am fit & healthy. :-)




3rd April = a small 200g gain

3 04 2014

3rd April

I was surprised to see the scale had gone up 200g from yesterday. I ate really well and the only thing that I had was the LITTLE fruit skewers and the piece of mango was also small. Oh well, it will just be water retention. So I won’t let the blip worry me.

Today I am back at work and I walk into the workroom where we eat morning tea and lunch, on the table are my absolute favourite chocolates which are the lindt balls and some other chocolates. I did not indulge. For me it is best to have total elimination – eating just one will muck up my brain chemistry and then I need to fight the cravings. There is no reason to eat a lindt ball it will not give me any health benefits/nutrients, it won’t reduce hunger signals it will do the absolute opposite!





STS – stayed the same! (2nd April)

2 04 2014

Weighed in this morning and there was no shift on the scales this morning. Still 54.6Kg

2nd April

I’m on a course today, learning to program robots. The food is provided. For morning tea there were pastries, scones, crackers & cheese, dried fruit and grapes. I had a little piece of the dried mango and a few grapes. For lunch, as I predicted there were bread rolls, the most fattening sugar laden caramel slice and fruit skewers plus chocolates. Fortunately I bought a chicken salad from home. I feel positive, strong, empowered and proud that I had my food and stayed away from the sugar and grains.

I know this sounds judgemental and it is…. But there were some very big/obese ladies there on the course and there is a reason they are so overweight / they eat food which makes their insulin sky-rocket and because their brain is “drugged” there portions are in excessive of what their energy requirements are and that is why they are obese. Then a consequence of being obese is they huff and puff just walking from their car to the venue of the workshop.

I am a sweet-food lover, a sugar addict, but I’ve diagnosed my problem and I am determined to overcome the addiction. I don’t want to be one of those obese ladies who huff & puff just walking around.

I didn’t drink as much water as I normally do as I couldn’t get to a toilet and when I drink my usual amount of water I go to the toilet frequently.

I also did reasonably well in terms of my get home and snack; I was late getting home and Millie needed walking so I changed and went straight to the park and gave her a run off the lead while I walked. By the time I got home it was time to cook dinner and eat.





1st April – renewing my enthusiasm to secure 54Kg!

1 04 2014

1st AprilToday is the 1st day of April. My social calendar in April is clear until Easter which is the 18th April so I am renewing my vowels to eat clean and stay away from sugar primarily and grains. I weighed in after the weekend and was 54.6Kg which is not too bad, just a 300g gain and given my dismal behaviour on Friday when I “fell off the rails” I have reined in the damage. It helped by not eating any snacks on Saturday afternoon with the exception of two crackers with brie cheese. There was no desert though and I didn’t drink any alcohol at all :-).

On Sunday I had a coffee with milk (it wasn’t til I started drinking it I realised it was made with quite a bit of milk. I then had eggs benedict for brunch. It was a disappointment in that it was not well presented and smothered in hollandaise – there was far too much hollandaise and just slapped together. So given that I ate that a 300g gain is not too bad.

This reinforces the need to step on the scales and face the music or as Gwen writes “own my evil”.

The only really bad part of the weekend was I caught a cold from the child who lived where we were staying and I feel really poorly and my throat feels like I am swallowing razor blades! Fingers-crossed it does not last long.

Tomorrow I am on a professional learning course and lunch is supplied but I will take my own chicken salad. You can be sure it will be a grained based/sandwich/bread-roll type of lunch that is offered so I will ignore that and stick to my own food which I know to be clean.

Just 600g to go to my first major goal is achieved. Whether or not the Diesel Jeans fit will be another question but it doesn’t worry me that they don’t. I am loving the loose fit of my Roxy Jeans I have on today. When I put them on this morning I remembered when I first bought them and they were a snug fit. I have come a long way since then. :-)





Happy!! Another drop… now 54.3Kg

28 03 2014

28th March

Good news this morning and I did double check and sure enough I got 119.8lbs which is 54.3Kg twice in a row. This afternoon I will try on those Diesel Jeans and see how they fit but I won’t be disappointed if they are still a bit too tight for wearing in public. My black skirt I got from the Goldcoast is fitting better than it ever has.

Today at work someone has bought in a huge homemade chocolate cake. I took one look at it and thought: Mel, you can stay strong and be one day closer to wearing those jeans OR you could have a piece of cake and then feel like you’ve weakened your resolve, taken a step backwards and to add to all those feelings you will then have the challenge of craving another piece, craving sweets. Is a piece of cake worth the challenge of overcoming those cravings that will be with you all afternoon??? No matter how good that cake may or may not taste it is not worth the small moment of pleasure. SUGAR is my DRUG. I am working on being DRUG-FREE!

sugarAddict

Although I am 300g from my goal weight, I do think I am very much at the beginning of this journey of living DRUG-FREE. I am very much a novice dealing with these situations still but I’m gaining in experience and I will get stronger the more I train my inner voice to say no.

We are away for the weekend but I have strategies in place to stick to my plan. Monday I will report on how I went. We do have a dinner which is being hosted by friends and then a lunch at a cafe/restaurant on Sunday but I’m determined to eat clean.








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