Last week, (11th April) I went to the dental hygienist. Good news, while I needed my teeth cleaning there are no holes so no need for fillings. I put that down to eating a LOT LESS sugar. Win, Win!!
I also went to a funeral on that Friday, it was incredibly sad. It was for a young man (24 years old) he was fit, healthy and had the most friends any one could wish for. There would have been 750 people seated at his service. His death was totally unexpected it was the result of a blood clot in the brain, and unfortunately he was on his own when he collapsed so did not get medical help soon enough resulting in a severe brain injury and when life support was removed he passed away. The funeral was a roller-coaster, incredibly sad but the stories his family and friends shared certainly had us laughing. He was one of the most amazing people I have met and despite not knowing he would have a very short life he lived it to the full. A message for us all to take on board huh.
Now for some honesty…. I have slipped big time TWICE this week!!!! Damn, Damn, Damn!!!!! WHY????
Monday 14th April (parent-teacher interviews). It turned to custard!!!
The day started alright, just the usually stuff. Had lunch just like normal, I had taken some extra fruit (red plums) as we had interviews that would mean I was not going to be leaving til after 6pm but I don’t eat dinner til 7pm at the earliest anyway so why did I even go and checkout the afternoon tea spread they had put out????? Why??? That is when it went to custard, instead of looking, turning around and leaving I made the decision I would try a few things which lead to a few more things… and well you get the picture. It was not at all planned and afterwards I did in fact feel physically ill because I had eaten so clean for so long my body did not like the wheat, the sugar that I just inhaled. Do I regret going upstairs… YES. Would I have felt better not going… YES. Will I go and inspect what they have out on offer in future… NO!! That is how I can avoid this pitfall, JUST DON’T GO THERE!!! I can’t trust myself to do the right thing. I am really good at pre-planning my clean meals and snacks, I have that down to a fine art so popping along to see the communal afternoon tea or dinner is just putting myself in a position to fail. Lesson learnt: I will stay away from the communal food!
What I did do was stand on the scales on Tuesday morning to “own my evil” a gain of 1.9Kg and up to 55.1Kg
Wednesday 16th April (penultimate day of school). On the Wednesday I attended two shared morning teas… and I did so well!!!! I think part of doing so well was I didn’t bury my head in the sand and I owned my evilness by stepping on the scales on Tuesday morning. I did want to come and record the disaster here too as I find writing my journal here very therapeutic, it helps me reflect on the future and how I will get it right the next time I am in the situation. But I was so damn busy with marking I didn’t get the chance. Having not indulged at either of the shared morning teas I was feel good both physically and mentally. I was in control and I didn’t feel any deprivation. I felt great and not bothered at all that I wasn’t eating any of it.
Wednesday night we had guests who bought with them dessert. I roasted a chicken and we had wedges and a lovely big green salad. I didn’t have any of the wedges and just had chicken and salad. Our guests said no to alcohol when offered so I drank soda water. But I did eat one of the meringues as I really felt rude saying no….. it’s hard when you don’t look like you need to lose weight. excuses, excuses I know…. but because I had eaten reasonably well for the rest of the day I was back down to 54.2Kg on Thursday morning so only 0.2 Kg from my goal weight…. I basically had it back in the bag so to speak.
So now I will reveal my second disaster…
Thursday 17th April (last day of term). Since there was so much food first morning tea on the Wednesday, there was HEAPS and HEAPS of EVIL FOOD left over. This is when it turned to custard for the second time this week. While putting all the leftover out for everyone to have at morning tea I ate a very small bit of chocolate brownie that I cut off to taste with my coffee. I SO SHOULD NEVER HAVE DONE THAT and I knew it at the time because I didn’t eat the rest of the piece, I put the remaining bit back. But that was the start…. I am not going to write down exactly what I then ate but it was all sugary evilness and there was no stopping. There was even more food bought in by other staff members and I tried it all. The problem is when I start I don’t have the ability to stop and pull-away. So I need a coping mechanism/strategy for when food is bought in for morning teas or leftovers bought in. As sad as it is, I will just have to remove myself/ban myself from being in the shared common space where we eat our morning tea and lunch whenever there is communal food there. It is a simple strategy but if I am not sitting there looking at it then I won’t eat it. I don’t go and buy it for myself so why do I feel I can eat it when someone else has bought it in?
Friday 18th April (Holidays have started) I am back on track. I have a fridge full of good wholesome vegetables and I have some lovely chicken breasts for my meals today. I will pre-cook some chicken for when we travel away for a few nights but it’s a good feeling to be back on track. We are suppose to go out for lunch tomorrow with friends but I will take it in my stride and eat the leanest meat and salad.
I did step on the scales this morning having had such an evil day on Thursday to “own my evil” and I’m back up to 55.6Kg. So now 1.6Kg from my goal. But I’ve learnt from these two sessions of self-sabortage and I know how physically ill I felt afterwards and mentally I feel like I’ve let myself down. In fact there is absolutely nothing good that comes from these self-sabortaging sessions other than the very short momentary rush you get when eating sugar. That is the addiction! It is a very, very short lived moment, as soon as the food passes down the oesophagus the feeling of regret soon comes. The stomach ache. The reflux from consuming dairy. The self-loathing. All the negatives which result from the self-sabortage last for hours and hours afterwards and I’m left reflecting…. why, why, WTF did I do that for?
I have a lovely family wedding exactly one month today. I don’t want to use events like this as incentives… I want to eat clean because that is my WOL (way of life). But since I’m being so honest, let’s face it…. there is nothing like a gathering of family that you’ve not seen for donkeys to keep you honest with the clean eating.
No one has ever said maintenance would be easy. I certainly knew it was going to be a long road with lessons to learn on the way. I just did not expect to slip-up in such a serious manner not once, but twice in such quick succession….